um..

why is it so difficult? why does someone have so much trouble saying "i love you" and meaning it? i say "i love you" every day to a dozen people. that doesn't mean it loses it's significance. i mean it every time and i make sure i do before i say it.

so why is it so hard for everyone else? i simply don't understand.

The Eve of All Hallows...

Less than three weeks until Halloween. What to do, what to do...

Here's the thing. I've never sexed-up a Halloween costume before and am now in a serious debate with myself as to whether I want to start now. I'm thinking that if I were to go all out with the hotness, I'd go as Amber Sweet from "Repo! The Genetic Opera". A little intense, but still...

And then there is the option of keeping it classy as I have done in the past. I do happen to own the perfect dress if I chose to go as Trudy Campbell from "Mad Men".

Decisions, decisions...

STEEEEE-RIKE! you're out

Today we struck the set for "The Importance of Being Earnest". For those of you who don't know what "strike" is, the entire company spends a day taking down absolutely everything. We stored furniture, took down lights, cleaned up the dressing rooms... didn't actually dismember EVERYTHING... just most of it. "Earnest", by the way, is the show I have been beating myself upside the head over for the past eight weeks. I know I've mentioned before I stage manage.

Anyway... now that the show is over and the set pieces are gone and I have far fewer excuses to hang around the theater, I find that I am completely lost. What will I do without it? I know I claimed to hate it throughout the process. That was a lie. I loved getting as close as I did with everyone involved. I love that I have grown as an SM and as a friend to so many. I've strengthened relationships and learned how to handle so many things I never knew I could get through.

Yes, I've had two meltdowns within the past month, partially over this show. Yes, I wanted to rip heads off when things did not exactly go according to plan. Yes, I am SO EXCITED to have my life back in my own hands rather than in Oscar Wilde's (sorry, Oscar. LOVE you're work and all, but...). All the same, I will miss it so much.

Strike itself went relatively smoothly. There were a few times when I wanted to say "fuck it" and leave (people get snippy, one in particular -- I hate snip; it pisses me off), and yet by some miracle, I was able to pull through and deal with it.

Over the course of the past three weeks or so, I have felt almost entirely useless in all other aspects of my life. I can't fix this, I can't do anything about that. Worries, worries, worries that I have absolutely no control over which not only angers me, it scares me to death. Why can't I do anything to help? So much of it is personal crap that usually isn't my business (I have a ridiculously overdeveloped "Mothering complex"). But then I'd go to rehearsal. Even when the director decided to take charge and overrule me, I was the one the company would listen to. If I had something to say, they actually shut up and paid attention. In that, at least, I was able to do something worthwhile for people.

So, what the fuck am I gonna do now?? Shit.

untitled poem

my childhood corners and grand adventures
no nonsense of age or decay
what beauty could hold those treasures past
or keep with me the joys of what was once every day

those memories of me dancing on toes
where it felt as though we could fly
can anyone tell me how anyone knows
however we change and why

the moments are now blurred equations
keeping up is not as simple or kind
we rush through the hours and hope things remain
as we left them in our childhood minds